geoffrey gauchet

So-Called 'Gray Marriage Bill' Shot Down by Vote, Elderly Can Not Marry

Today, a landmark vote has determined that there will be no “gray marriage”. In an overwhelming victory, the Youth Marriage Definition Amendment, commonly known as the Gray Marriage Bill, was passed, making it illegal for anyone over the age of 65 to marry.

While the amendment does not specify that those over 65 can not marry, it does define marriage as “a union between two non-senior adults, under the current retirement age”.

Senator John Affenberg noted that this amendment was “absolutely necessary. It is against everything we as God-fearing Americans believe. The American dream is to go to college, fall in love, and get married shortly after. No where have we said that that marriage should happen 40 or more years later.”

“It’s just not right,” Abby Longham of Springfield says. “Honestly, the very thought of two old people laying in the same bed, or kissing, or … or having intercourse… is just disgusting. No one would want to watch that.”

The amendment has also brought out some religious support as well. Reverend Bill Hennesey says that the Bible explicitly mentions nothing but praise for children and youth and this is the proof that marriage should be between young people and not “grays”. 

“You ever flip through the Bible? There are numerous passages in praise of children. Psalms 127:3-4 ‘Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!’ The very first three words of Ezekiel 9:6 state ‘Slaughter old men’. Tell me that isn’t God himself telling us that being elderly is wrong.”

“I couldn’t even begin to count the number of passages where virgin daughters are offered up to the sons of other men as payment. It’s almost as if God knew this was coming and spelled it out for us,” Reverend Hennesey continued.

The Amendment was not without opposition, however. Many elderly gray couples rallied and protested the amendment.

“It’s just awful,” Mildred Carlson, a local elderly woman, said. “Just because we’re old or have grey hair doesn’t mean we don’t also love. We’re already looked at as burdens on our families. All of our friends have left us. Let us just have one person in our lives that loves us unconditionally, regardless of our age.”

Mildred says that her family hasn’t fully accepted the fact that she is gray. “My daughter tried to send me away to try and ‘undo it’. She sent me to Florida, to this place with nothing but other gray people, and all they did was try to make us young again. They made us play games, and exercise, and dance to music. The even had a salon where they tried to dye my hair so it wouldn’t be gray any longer. It was awful. Just awful. I’m old. That’s never going to change. You can make me adhere to your views of youth. You can dye my hair and dress me in hip clothes. But inside, I’ll always be old and I will always love other old people.”

And it’s not just grays opposing the amendment — young people are as well. “I love old people. I mean, I’m perfectly content with being in my 20s, but my grandparents have been old pretty much my entire life,” says college student McKenna Albertson. “They’ve been together for two of my lifetimes. They fight and smile blankly at each other, just like young couples do. Sometimes, looking at them together, you’d never know they were gray.”

But while some young people support the grays, others support the amendment. Josh Tully, 23, says that gray marriage lessens the strength of his own upcoming marriage. “If grays can marry, then why should I even bother at 23? It just doesn’t make sense. I’m young. This is my right. Letting old people marry makes it less of a privilege for me. I just don’t get it. I think if you look at the numbers, you see a decline in young people getting married. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.”

One of the main reasons supporters like Senator Affenberg cite as a reason why grays shouldn’t marry is the subject of children. “The Bible states, and even social norms state, that one of the main reasons marriage exists is for the couple to bear children. This is simply something that couples over 65 cannot do. And if they were to adopt, could you even imagine how an elderly person would take care of a small child? They’d be handing them 50 cents every time they saw them, like it was nothing. That 50 cents is money given to them by the federal government. They can’t be just handing it out. It’s irresponsible. Those children would be having ice cream for dinner every night and I, for one, do not want children seeing the graphic crime on television shows like Matlock!” 

Albertson says that while she personally couldn’t picture being gray, she absolutely supports those that are. “I mean, yeah, I don’t exactly want to see two old people making out on a bench in the park while feeding pigeons, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be allowed to in their bedroom. I mean, I’m sure there’s a lot of stuff young people do in their bedrooms that would gross me out too. As long as they aren’t forcing me into it, why should I care, you know?”

Opposers of the amendment say that they intend to fight it and work toward a repeal.

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