geoffrey gauchet


I had this discussion with Chad at work today. I thought it was entertaining enough to post here.

I decided to take it upon myself to clean up the webstore office, as neither Robby nor myself had been up there in a few weeks since we've been filling in shifts in the retail stores. I had a few free moments this evening, so I wanted to straighten it up.

While I was up there, I found some really sweet rare games, like Mega Man X3 for the SNES and Smurfs for the Atari 2600. Cool gaming paraphenalia aside, I was making signifcant progress in my mission. There was a cardboard box filled with packing peanuts and some Sega Saturn games that were sent from our store in Biloxi. Now, keep in mind that this box has been up there for a few weeks filled with packing peanuts, in a warm, dark room.

I picked up a stack of about five or six Saturn games when a small, brown, multi-legged beast crawled from the underside of Daytona USA and made its way to the top of Panzer Dragoon, nearly touching my hand. I dropped the stack of games, posthaste, damaging a jewel cases. But nevermind the jewel cases, a small roach nearly devoured my right hand! I searched and searched for my nemesis, but to no avail. It was as if he had dissapeared. Perhaps he was absorbed into the carpet where he'll emerge in the night to seek revenge on Panazer Dragoon.

This prompted me to head downstairs and share my traumatic story with Chad. This brought up some interesting questions about roaches. First, we must go over some facts regarding these evil beasts of Satan.

\nRoaches can live for weeks without a head
\nSome roaches can fly
\nIt has been said that roaches can survive a nuclear holocaust
\nRoaches can eat anything, including plastic

What creature needs to possess all of these powers? Especially a creature that does NOTHING for our ecosystem. Worms turn soil, spiders eat mosquitos that carry diseases, but roaches do nothing beneficial! I see two that would be very beneficial to humans, should we acquire these powers: flying and surviving a nuclear holocaust, both of which have obvious reasons for kicking ass.

But why can these roaches survive a nuclear holocaust? What is that purpose? Moreso, HOW can they? Is the only thing that can kill them, their kryptonite if you will, a can of Raid? If this is true, then surely Raid is the greatest advancement in modern chemical technology if it can kill creatures that can survive a nuclear holocaust.

Being able to eat plastic could be quite convenient. For instance, you head to the store and purchase a liter of Coke. As you drink your liter of Coke, you begin to devour the bottle in which it resides, creating the perfect $1.87 meal. But what purpose does this serve? Obviously, roaches get all the crumbs and left-out food they can manage, so, why add plastic into the mix? It just doesn't add up.

But perhaps more frightening is the fact that a roach can live for weeks without a head. Now, losing your head is not something one can foresee, so having a second chance to enjoy the activities you missed out on in life during the next two weeks could be very beneficial.

But what would a roach do during this two week period? Typically, when someone knows they have a short time to live, they make ammends with colleagues. They'll also tend to do outrageous things they wouldn't normally do, like bungee jump, jet ski, or sleep with a hooker. But how many roaches have you met that have done that, with or without a head.

I simply cannot understand why these malicious beasts are given these magnificent powers, and I can't even fly. It hardly seems fair.

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March 2, 2004
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