It's crawfish season! And that means crawfish boils! I know we've had a bunch of people move to Louisiana in the last ten years or so that maybe feel intimidated by crawfish boils. Well, follow these rules from a Louisiana native and worry no more!
Never Show Up Without an Avocado
It is customary to bring an avocado to the Boil Master. Upon arrival, hand the avocado to the Boil Master, take a bow, and say "I am the bad idiot. I am here to atone for my transgressions. Please accept this lizard vegetable as my penance"
Always Offer to Help Wash the Boil Master's Spouse's Feet
The Boil Master is usually very busy boiling the meal, but as the Lord of Little Lobsters it is also their responsibility to wash their spouse's feet! Offer to do it for them and remember to lather the feet from north-to-south and not the other way around!
Be Sure to Visit the Containment Facility and Assert Your Dominance
The crawfish are always cooked alive to maximize freshness and so that there is less time for their souls to leave their bodies before consumption. The Boil Master will keep them in a containment facility where they will attempt to drown the creatures periodically. You should visit the facility, hold your hands above it and say "Offer yourselves unto me or you shall perish!" They never do! Grab one by the antenna, hold it firmly in your fist, and then hurl it into the sun.
Obey the Subsequent Boil Law
It is a law in Louisiana that if you crack open a crawfish and find a baby inside, you have to pay for the next crawfish boil! Uh-oh!
Never Ask the Boil Master Where Their Eyelashes Are
It is very tempting for the first time boil patron, but the Boil Master's eyelash locations are very personal to him or her and should not be discussed, unless you find one, then you may ask the whereabouts of the remaining eyelashes.
Make Sure to Wear the Head Gloves and Sing the Song of Clovis
After every ten crawfish you eat, you must place each crawfish head on your fingers and sing the Song of Clovis. While flexing your fingers to the tune, sing "Clovis was a crawfish / His independence he would not relinquish / Now we must eat him / To absolve him of his sin"
Keep an Eye on the Potato Bard
In order to have the proper amount of potatoes for the boil, you must hire a Potato Bard to oversee the boil and write a sonnet about the process. Though required by law, pretty much anyone can become a Potato Bard, so be sure to watch them closely so that they don't steal your lemon zester or monogrammed bathroom hand towels as they are wont to do!
When you are finished eating, be sure to perform the exit ritual. Stick both arms straight into the air, turn around three times, and declare "I am done. I am the one who is done. My belly is full of the sea roaches and I will now retire to the den where I will drink the sacred oil from the Flagon of Finality". You now have 12 minutes to drink the sacred oil from the Flagon of Finality. If you do not, you will have to go back to the table, eat the same amount of crawfish as before, repeat the Declaration of Doneness, and try again until you get it right! Uh-oh!
Have fun! And lessaiz les bon temps rouler!